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Today's featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer.
The Rastadon was discovered on February 3, 2007, by one Dr. Professor Ima Walrus, who got his Ph.D. in Zoology at Gotham University, as well as Tom Freebird, who had a B.A. in Sociology, and a minor in Taylor Swift, from Michigan Tech. Their historic discovery was found fifty miles north of Rastos, Nebraska. To date, only one skeleton of a Rastadon has ever been found, where it is currently still in active use. After many tests, Dr. Professor Walrus and Mr. Freebird found that the Rastadon's turn-offs included tobacco cigarettes, uniforms, sirens, and corporate life. Whereas its turn-ons included: pistachio ice cream, herbal medicine, large hollow plastic figurines with pipes sticking out of them, and snack foods. (more...)
The Addams Family is an American family best-known for producing an excessive number of U.S. Presidents. The Roosevelts are in a tie, but not in such short order; so too would be the Clintons, except for certain "deplorable" voters. The Kennedys showed comparable potential, except that various assassins showed more. (more...)
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| *... that the Mars Climate Orbiter crashed because engineers had failed to convert measurements in fathoms and rods to the metric system?
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| Jewish people raped these people
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June 1: International Steroids Appreciation Day
- 72 BCE – Moses takes steroids; parts the Red Sea.
- 1869 – Thomas Edison receives a patent for his electric voting machine and makes millions selling the machines to Florida Republicans.
- 1960 – New Zealand's first official television broadcast commences at 7:30 PM from Auckland. Ratings are low due to Kiwis not understanding how pictures and sounds can come from a box.
- 1964 – Barry Bonds is born.
- 1988 - Steve Urkel becomes the third president of Zimbabwe only to be overthrown by every person in Africa.
- 1989 - With the fall of the Berlin Wall the people of Germany rejoice only to later be killed by the future president of the United States Arnold Presidentator, when he begins filming his final film, Plan 9 from Mr. President.
- 1992 - This marks the start of the "Nukes Means Goals" campaign, when the Southport FC manager stores nuclear weapons in his team's changing room and threatens to detonate them if they lose.
- 1992 – Bud Selig brand steroids hit the shelves.
- 1998 – Chuck Norris announces to press: "I never took steroids"
- 1999 – Steroids announces to press: "I took Chuck Norris."
- 2010 – One out of every three baseball players is suspected of abusing steroids. The other two-thirds claim to use steroids responsibly.
- 2012 - Cyclist Lance Armstrong freely admits to using steroids, EPO and gratuitous Wheaties consumption, proving that steroids affect the brain.
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